FAMILY DINNERS ARE ABOUT MORE THAN EATING.(CNY)(Column)

Byline: Judith Gorovitz Contributing writer

Six o'clock. Jimmy has just logged off. Jenny is at basketball. Mom arrives laden with

groceries. Dad isn't home yet. Jimmy asks "What's for dinner?"

Mom says "Microwave that frozen dinner before choir practice." She begins to put away the groceries. Rover begs for food. Dad returns, having forgotten to pick up Jenny. It's a beehive of activity, and the evening has barely begun.

We can't expect daily dinners together as families did a generation ago. Much is lost as a result. We should understand that loss and act to reduce the damage. We've lost the opportunity to talk about daily issues within the family, to interact sociably as a family, to plan together, to teach children the social skills of table manners and civilized conversation. Instead we have refueling, often with the TV on, or a dash for fast food and often a lack of interest in the lives of our own family members.

Parents should resolve early to have family dinners as often as possible. Later, as children and parents become busier, families should insist on at least one weekday dinner together with no TV, phone calls or leaving for an activity, homework or the Internet until the meal is over. A discussion topic could be agreed upon, or the family could discuss the week, allowing each person time for talking about concerns, triumphs and plans.

Comments should be invited by the other family members. Some memorable moments could result, not necessarily all good, but the goal is to learn to talk together in a meaningful and useful way. Family dinner is not an appropriate setting for punishments, tattling or lecturing children about grades, behavior or other failings. It's for listening, hearing, responding and supporting.

I am often struck by how little each member of a family knows about the aspirations, successes and failures of the others. The oldest child may have no awareness of the youngest child's interests.

Parents often think they know what matters to each child but later find out that their awareness was shallow. They tell me at a time of crisis, "I had no idea he was feeling so rejected at school" or "I didn't realize she had been so successful with her presentation. She just said, "It went OK."' A few questions would have revealed that her classmates showed lots of interest and she was commended by the teacher.

Children need practice discussing both triumphs and disappointments. Parents can be facilitators and excellent role models without making conversations heavy or overly personal. Talking about the impact on the family of a nearby house being sold, planning a family vacation or discussing national issues are valuable assets in weighing decisions and understanding that their actions affect others in many ways.

Family members who talk to each other and appreciate one another's feelings are more likely to be aware of the needs of friends, the community and the nation because they have honed discussion skills in a warm, supportive environment where they are expected to contribute their concerns and ideas.

Judith Gorovitz is a mother of two grown children and a clinical psychologist. She is a member of CNY's Partners in Parenting panel.

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